When you live with Terri Schwartz,
It’s tricky being Kerri Swartz.

Imagine being called John Donson
If your neighbor was Don Johnson.

It could be hard to be named Temple
And to live beside a steeple.

But think who has it worst of all:
The poor mailman for all those people.

The dustbuster scares me
I’ve an ammonia allergy
and find the vacuum cleaner heavy,
I don’t know how to sweep.

My elbow grease is running low
I’m not sure where the dishes go. . .
Am I in danger folding clothes?
I cannot reach the sink.

Our mop just isn’t working right
The toilet brush is nowhere in sight,
The bathtub, too, is gone it seems. . .
But otherwise, I’d love to clean!

In the winter when it rains
it is never nice to hear,
“Well, at least it isn’t snow”
if you’re snow.

It hurts to have a sunburnt head,
An itchy tender scalp of red,

So bald eagles out there, beware:
Buy lotion, hats, or grow some hair.

One time Dad bought Mom some flowers,
and they made her weep.
And once he gave her earrings
that made her cry till she’d hardly speak.

Now the time he bought her
Onion Safety Goggles, I confess,
even though she said she loved’em,
I never seen a gift’s made her cry less.

With a story
a folly
a costume
a song,
a card trick
a pratfall
a spitball
a gong,

A knock knock joke
a whoopy cushion
a riddle
or some mimicking,
a robot dance
an animal noise
tickling
or limericking,

Whether in a large group
or alone with one other
with a thing that you did
or a prank that you played,

In a way that was carefree
but never uncaring
did you make someone
laugh today?

THE MAN WHO MADE THE FOOTBALL FOLLIES: NFL Films Founder Ed Sabol

It stampeded our fridge
the elephant garlic
and it simply cannot be contained.

First the plastic wrap failed
Then the rubber seals wailed
while the powerful funk has remained.

We washed down with water
As hot as white plasma
And vinegar (that had its own smell).

Still the garlicy musk
Pierces like a sharp tusk
Would through the old Liberty Bell.

But oh, what will free
Our air from this odor
Of garlic that’s making us sick?

Perhaps the stampede of
An actual elephant, in this case,
Would do just the trick.