My Nana’s a banana,
My Sis a koala bear,
My Mom’s a telephone pole,
My Dad’s a flannel chair.
My Aunt’s a little creepy,
My Poppy’s moustache props up his nose.
How would I describe myself ?
Well . . .
Just with my short sweet first name,
Rose.
(Photo: PaC)
“No one likes a fly,”
said the Fly with a sigh.
“No matter what I try,
they shoo me into the sky.”
“Hogwash,” said a voice, followed by a tap.
“Come tell me your story, come sit on my lap.
Sounds like you, Fly, have received a bad rap.”
“Who’re you?” asked the Fly. “Why, I” the voice said, “am the Venus Fly Trap.”
MUNCH!
Red is dead,
Green can’t be seen,
Blue’s invisiblue,
Orange is gone, too.
Yellow, fine fellow,
And Purple have failed.
So the last working part of my markers
— sniffle –
The caps
— sniffle, sniffle –
are for sale.
ALL THAT YOU CAP LEAVE BEHIND — In the world of markers, caplessness is next to colorlessness.(Photo:PaC)
When our Toaster refused to even warm bread
we were going to throw it away.
But we changed its name to a Noaster instead.
Now it works perfectly, every day.
NICE COOL BREAKFAST – One small apple juice and a freshly Noasted English Muffin. (Photo: PaC)
Whether your trough holds milk, water, or pop,
Drink a gallon before spilling a drop.
How I wish I could draw
something more than a saw
or a hammer’s blunt butt
or its backside, the claw.
My paintings are messy
and sculpture all lumpy,
the sweaters I knit
make their wearers look frumpy.
By far my sketchpad
is my art at its best
and at best it looks like
a burnt scrambled egg mess.
The needlepoint, woodwork
and origami I’ve tried
Have not earned even one
complimentary lie.
So I’ll stick to my pen
and make it make words
and stop drawing things like
flocks of V-line birds.
FLOCK OF V-GULLS : A failsome foursome by The Art School Flunkee
Pickled pig knuckles
have a smell like none udder
except the stinky feet
of my big brudder.
So though he stays up late
and that makes me jelish
I don’t envy how his
toes reek of bad relish.
Q is a letter
that sounds like a word
spelled without it:
c-u-e,
That looks like an O
with a little pigtail
hanging down from
its little Q booty.
Q rarely is seen
without U by its side
(but don’t make a big deal,
Q, too, has its pride)
A dependent letter
with an independent mind
is Q.
Jimmy blames the neighbor’s dog
Janie blames her sore toe
Billy blames the creaky floors
Brenda blames El Niño.
Katie blames tectonic plates
Kurt blames daylight savings
Paul blames operator error
Pam blames riboflavin.
Who knows for sure which blame is real
and which is full of fizz,
or why so many folks get kicks
from the finger pointing biz.
DUTCHFINGER – A very close look at a hand on one of the statues that depict in three dimensions Rembrandt’s “The Night Watch” – Rembrandt Square: Amsterdam, The Netherlands (PHOTO: PaC)
If you see a weed pull it
out of the ground.
Help keep the weeds
from owning this town.
Most fresh greens are healthy
but weeds are not.
On the Big List of Bad Greens,
they rank right next to snot.
Dad’s gone on a trip
to the land of Sweeten,
and we just can’t imagine
all the sugar that he’s eatin’!
He says the Sweetish countryside
is like none you’ve seen.
So I just bet it’s miles and miles
made of cake and jelly beans.
And where the Sweetish lands end
Dad says on one side is Finland.
Where I’m sure the locals swim well
being that they’re Fin-men.
Dad also said the other side
of Sweeten’s known as Norway.
(The Neitherlands oughta be part of that,
Maybe it will someday.)
Why some places are called what
often is a mystery,
but not Norway, Finland, or Sweeten,
the clearest named places in history.
–Do you like tacos?
–Absolutely no way!
–How about shredded cheese?
–Sure. I eat that every day.
–What about nacho chips?
–Yup, I love how they crunch.
–Tomatoes? Beef?
–Sounds like a great lunch!
–Last call: lettuce … salsa?
—Yes! Got guac?
–No, but how about a taco?
–I’d rather eat a sock.
Take care placing words
where they may not belong,
just because they sound right
doesn’t mean they’re not wrong.
Like calling himself ‘Neato’
won’t make a mosquito that,
any more than a kumquat
is a female wombat.
FISH THE FUZZ FUZZY WITH PHISH – On Halloween, 2013, then 92-year old actor Abe Vigoda wrote a new chapter in the rich history of Atlantic City’s Boardwalk Hall when he danced on-stage in a wombat suit during a performance by the rock band Phish. Click on the photo to see the artist also known as Sal Tessio get down with Vermont’s Phinest.
Wherever I go
However I feel
My head spins like a wheel
‘Cause I got a heel.
Take my well rested feet
They both got a heel,
Or my new socks and shoes
That all got a heel.
My dog on each scampering paw’s
Got a heel
My friend’s horse’s happy hooves
All got a heel.
Lady Liberty’s big toe
Isn’t concealed,
But behind it in green,
She’s got a heel.
Mom’s heel has a spike
Dad’s spike’s got a heel,
And while I can’t walk on’em,
Both my hands got a heel.
Far from Africa’s horn
And Wrigley Field,
Jolly Louisiana’n’Italy
Both got a heel.
My golf clubs and ball gloves
All got a heel,
My brother’s ice skates
Got a heel made-a-steel.
So again I will say it,
This time with more zeal,
No matter how good I feel
I got a heel.
HEART SHAPED HEELS (Photo by PaC)
Inspiration is like air
present almost anywhere:
music lyrics
hockey rinks
mighty rivers
kitchen sinks.
So for ideas,
don’t sit and stew
tune into the world
all around you.
“DIRTY WORK” via MakeBlackOutPoetry.com. Click the image above to go there, and follow them on Twitter @MakeBlackOuts
A winner
A whiner
A dinner
A diner
A rose smelling nose
A nose smelling rose
A mine of mint
A line of lint
A class
A glass
A mist
A mast.
By removal or swap
The change of one letter
Can transform the world
Sometimes worse, sometimes better.
A long lost pal
of Crazy Horse
was far less well known
Lazy Horse
Who napped most hours
of the day,
waking only
to munch hay.
When others asked,
“What is it, huh?
why are you so, Lazy?”
He said,
“’Cause this way I’m dependable,
which I reckon
sure beats Crazy.’”
(Illustration: PaC)
Wipe up the crumbs,
Brush them away,
But once they’re gone, Mom,
Know our patrons won’t stay.
They come for the mess,
With their long walks they pay,
Knowing the good stuff’s
Here all night and all day.
Mom, you want a clean floor,
You beg and you pray,
But a clean floor will shut down
Our 24-Hour
Ant Buffet.
STICKY TILE SMILES: On last night’s fumbled dinner pea munches this morning’s satisfied customer at The 24-Hour Ant Buffet. (Illustration by Jane)
When B.T. Dubs
Had something to say
He’d start it politely with
“By the way…”
“By the way,
If I may say,
Perhaps skip the ‘Good Hair Day Contest’ today.
“By the way,
May I inquire,
Have you noticed that you’re on fire?
“By the way,
Tell me true,
Has anyone mentioned you smell like a zoo?”
Yes, that was B.T. Dubs’ way,
Morning, noon, and night:
Everything he said,
Started out polite.
It started in our family room,
then into the kitchen it seeped,
taking the front closet and hallway
before up the stairway it creeped.
What once was my bathroom it conquered,
it moved boldly through Mom and Dad’s room,
every space in our place was exploded
by its life-changing clutter kabooms.
It’s been so long ago since it started,
this unyielding advance like no other,
that by now it’s become fact there’s no stopping
the Invasion of Our New Kid Brother.
LITTLE BIGFOOT – Our kid brother’s invasion was not bloodless, noiseless, or unsuccessful. He now controls all or part of every sector. (Photo by PaC)Dad was painting
our fence brown
when halfway through
he said, “I must run into town.
There’s not enough brown paint
in this old can of mine.
I’m off for a new can of brown,
Then we’ll be fine.”
So later when
one can was empty
Dad finished the job
with the other.
And now Mom says
our fence is sweet,
I guess ‘cause it looks
like chocolate peanut butter.
–Pray, can you tell me
–Yes?
–Where was your favorite
–What?
–Place to get away
–Onewordanswerland.
–And how was your stay?
–Bliss.
Bring something to the table
in all of life’s dealings
unless that something’s squealing.
How I long to work
as a Baconcierge
‘neath the grand marble stairs
of a fancy hotel.
Where guests would consult me
on where the best bacon
is shakin’
and I’d say, “It’s swell
at the Pork Butt Saloon,
from Ye Olde Backfat Inn,
to the burger joint ‘Double the Fat, Hold the Thin’.”
How I’d smile
To spread far and wide
the gospel of bacon
and who’s killing it makin’ it
’round here, for miles.
**For more on the most inspiring and u-bacon-quitous of breakfast meats,
check out Fast Co.Create and Paste Magazine**
Masters press wine
But water’s drunk by everyone.
Verse chorus Verse chorus Bridge chorus Done.
Keep it simple, silly.
Have more fun.
Verse chorus Verse chorus Bridge chorus Done.
Spaceman: zoom it
Catman: boom it
Starchild: sung it
Demon: tongue it
Keep it simple, silly:
Have more fun.
Verse chorus Verse chorus Bridge chorus Done.
SIMPLY YUMMY – While you’re ordering a scrumptious bialy at Victoria’s Bagel Bistro in Mt. Laurel, NJ, check out these KISS portraits hand crafted by one of the Dough Divas’ loyal patrons. (Photo by PaC)
Tweed Typewriter 